brain dump (11)

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     I feel very alone right now. I don’t like the feeling of constantly having panic attacks like these and thinking too much. I can’t stop thinking. But right now I don’t like anything feels like there isn’t any positive outcome because I don’t want to go home and feel the same sadness that everyone is having fun while I’m at home feeling sad. This feeling I have isn’t sadness it’s just anxiety or something I can’t explain. I feel like I’m going exactly back to what I used to do because I feel the exact way now but worse. It feels like I’m just trapping everything in my head. It seems like something in my head or in general prevents me from being happy. Prevents me from being able to live so instead I go back to daydreaming, or thinking, or fantasizing or movies and shows. And then I finally started to feel happy and live and then it went away and now I can’t daydream anymore so I don’t know what to do. I feel this feeling of hopelessness but also restlessness. I can’t sleep. I can’t wake up. Feels like things are slowly getting worse. Because, the longer I stay like this the longer and more I think and start going back to what I used too. It feels worse then 3 days ago. And it’s always just been an endless circle. An endless cycle. And I’m very tired and now I’m losing hope in this endless cycle. I also feel like again im missing out on a lot of things. I also feel very ugly. I feel very ugly. That’s a big one I haven’t talked about. I actually have never really talked about this like fully but u have a big big issues with confidence from how I look. I have bad social anxiety but before I would not leave the house without make up. I have to look good to some extent before I leave. I have to wear certain clothes that look good. I do not just wear random clothes. I’ve always been complimented for fashion and stuff. But right now I feel very ugly. I put make up sometimes feels like a lot of work and I feel ugly. Overall I look bad. I don’t feel good at all. Everything is a lot right now and what makes it so much worse is that I feel like I’m the only one who’s going through it. It’s a new school so people don’t even know me and that’s a good and bad thing to me. Because atleast that means when I feel better I can start over but I don’t know it also feels bad right now because I feel like I’ve just stopped living. I feel like I’m trapped right now and I’m going crazy. Because I want to have fun but I can’t. I physically can’t do anything right now. And I’m slowly losing motivation. Before it seemed much easier to be able to get through this the longer this goes on the easier I start adjusting to the sadness all over again. Like I said before this cycle is very scary because it keeps happening and it really did rob me of something I won’t ever be able to get back now. And I just feel very sad. I also feel very sad because I feel like no one understands. It feels like no one will ever understand how my brain works so they won’t be able to help me. I think no one can help me because no one understands. That is another reason why I feel like I’m going to keep going in the circle.

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     I’ve been feeling worse lately and everything feels out of my control I feel like I’ve run out of options and I feel like I’ve always felt different like mentally and stuff. And I’ve just been so good at hiding it and stuff but I never tried to hide it it was just my coping skill to feel normal I’ve always had a hard time adjusting and I’ve felt bipolar where I feel happy and then sad I always feel the extremes and I always hide it but I feel like I had finally felt actual happiness this summer and like coming down from that was very hard. It’s like one thing triggered it and it’s like I always have to balance out my happiness with equal or greater sadness I can never just feel okay. I’ve realized talking to my therapist and stuff that it may because of untreated adhd. And that just seems so scary. Like it feels so real to have smt like adhd. Like I can’t hide that anymore or put on a mask. Everything is changing so so fast. And it’s like everyone around me seems so happy and usually I could mimic that but it just makes me feel worse. I feel like going through this I’m losing so many people. And I know people are saying well at least you’ll know who your true friends are. I can’t even talk to them because I’m so tired. Even while going through depression I still find a way to hide it because it’s all I’m used to it’s all I’m comfortable with. And so I started getting severe panic attacks. And I feel so suicidal because I feel like I’ve run out of all options and that no one understands. I’ve always felt my mind just worked differently in like normal. And now it’s like all the positives in my life are gone and I’m just stuck with the negatives and more. Everything is so hard and it’s like school stresses me out so much and causes so much anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts so when I go I feel worse but when i don’t I feel guilty. So what do I do? I can’t heal if I keep going to an unsafe environment but I can’t take a break because I just feel the guilt right now. And it’s like so much like my head is just pounding so hard right now. I’m just either tired or just idek. Everything is just really hard and it’s worse because I was so excited for highschool I was so excited for marching and like band and everything and I was excited for hoco and all of it. But now it’s just been a huge roller coaster and it’s just so hard. Like I’m drowning. And I feel like I’m missing out on everything and nothing that made me happy makes me happy anymore and stuff. It’s just all really hard right now. And like the other day I was actually thinking of literally ending my life. Like my brain just restored to it being the only solution. Like where did this even come from I was so happy and i don’t know who I am anymore. Like I don’t know. And I keep having panic attacks and it’s just rough. Everything is very stressful and I feel very sad. And if I don’t very down and sad I’m overthinking and panicking and every single thing stressed me out. And what’s even harder is that it’s so hard to even explain. Like I don’t know what to do anymore. Like I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Like i can’t breathe.