brain dump (13)

     ​okay okay, I just posted a like a couple hours ago so usually I wouldn’t post again.before you was this I recommend reading the last two posts or just the last one atleast.

   This like depression I’m going in like I said in the last episode it’s just a circle it feels like this always happens to me but it gets worse each time. 

      I hate the feeling I’m feeling right now. It sucks. I started taking meds if I talked about that on about day four of taking meds. It’s supposed to take about a week or so to like actually start working but then I searched it up and I know the doctor said I might feel a little bad at first but I think she dumbed it down because now researching it I’m supposed to feel like shit before I can feel good again. Seems really fucked.

     I just don’t feel good. I’m not sure what to say or how else to describe any of this. It’s just so bad I hate everything right now. If one thing negative becomes positive I start worrying about something else. It’s not even if it becomes positive it’s just if I get comfortable with something bad my mind just switches to something else to worry about. And I’m not even going to lie to you.

Bad after bad after bad thing keeps happening to me. Like a bullet after another. That has HAS to be sign of something but I DONT KNOW.

Can someone please just tell me. Universe what am I supposed to do? Universe please guide me to feel happy and become better then I was before. 

Please.

Also a little note:

  I feel very alone right now. I don’t like the feeling of constantly having panic attacks like these and thinking too much. I can’t stop thinking. But right now I don’t like anything feels like there isn’t any positive outcome because I don’t want to go home and feel the same sadness that everyone is having fun while I’m at home feeling sad. This feeling I have isn’t sadness it’s just anxiety or something I can’t explain. I feel like I’m going exactly back to what I used to do because I feel the exact way now but worse. It feels like I’m just trapping everything in my head. It seems like something in my head or in general prevents me from being happy. Prevents me from being able to live so instead I go back to daydreaming, or thinking, or fantasizing or movies and shows. And then I finally started to feel happy and live and then it went away and now I can’t daydream anymore so I don’t know what to do. I feel this feeling of hopelessness but also restlessness. I can’t sleep. I can’t wake up. Feels like things are slowly getting worse. Because, the longer I stay like this the longer and more I think and start going back to what I used too. It feels worse then 3 days ago. And it’s always just been an endless circle. An endless cycle. And I’m very tired and now I’m losing hope in this endless cycle. I also feel like again im missing out on a lot of things. I also feel very ugly. I feel very ugly. That’s a big one I haven’t talked about. I actually have never really talked about this like fully but u have a big big issues with confidence from how I look. I have bad social anxiety but before I would not leave the house without make up. I have to look good to some extent before I leave. I have to wear certain clothes that look good. I do not just wear random clothes. I’ve always been complimented for fashion and stuff. But right now I feel very ugly. I put make up sometimes feels like a lot of work and I feel ugly. Overall I look bad. I don’t feel good at all. Everything is a lot right now and what makes it so much worse is that I feel like I’m the only one who’s going through it. It’s a new school so people don’t even know me and that’s a good and bad thing to me. Because atleast that means when I feel better I can start over but I don’t know it also feels bad right now because I feel like I’ve just stopped living. I feel like I’m trapped right now and I’m going crazy. Because I want to have fun but I can’t. I physically can’t do anything right now. And I’m slowly losing motivation. Before it seemed much easier to be able to get through this the longer this goes on the easier I start adjusting to the sadness all over again. Like I said before this cycle is very scary because it keeps happening and it really did rob me of something I won’t ever be able to get back now. And I just feel very sad. I also feel very sad because I feel like no one understands. It feels like no one will ever understand how my brain works so they won’t be able to help me. I think no one can help me because no one understands. That is another reason why I feel like I’m going to keep going in the circle.

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     I’ve been feeling worse lately and everything feels out of my control I feel like I’ve run out of options and I feel like I’ve always felt different like mentally and stuff. And I’ve just been so good at hiding it and stuff but I never tried to hide it it was just my coping skill to feel normal I’ve always had a hard time adjusting and I’ve felt bipolar where I feel happy and then sad I always feel the extremes and I always hide it but I feel like I had finally felt actual happiness this summer and like coming down from that was very hard. It’s like one thing triggered it and it’s like I always have to balance out my happiness with equal or greater sadness I can never just feel okay. I’ve realized talking to my therapist and stuff that it may because of untreated adhd. And that just seems so scary. Like it feels so real to have smt like adhd. Like I can’t hide that anymore or put on a mask. Everything is changing so so fast. And it’s like everyone around me seems so happy and usually I could mimic that but it just makes me feel worse. I feel like going through this I’m losing so many people. And I know people are saying well at least you’ll know who your true friends are. I can’t even talk to them because I’m so tired. Even while going through depression I still find a way to hide it because it’s all I’m used to it’s all I’m comfortable with. And so I started getting severe panic attacks. And I feel so suicidal because I feel like I’ve run out of all options and that no one understands. I’ve always felt my mind just worked differently in like normal. And now it’s like all the positives in my life are gone and I’m just stuck with the negatives and more. Everything is so hard and it’s like school stresses me out so much and causes so much anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts so when I go I feel worse but when i don’t I feel guilty. So what do I do? I can’t heal if I keep going to an unsafe environment but I can’t take a break because I just feel the guilt right now. And it’s like so much like my head is just pounding so hard right now. I’m just either tired or just idek. Everything is just really hard and it’s worse because I was so excited for highschool I was so excited for marching and like band and everything and I was excited for hoco and all of it. But now it’s just been a huge roller coaster and it’s just so hard. Like I’m drowning. And I feel like I’m missing out on everything and nothing that made me happy makes me happy anymore and stuff. It’s just all really hard right now. And like the other day I was actually thinking of literally ending my life. Like my brain just restored to it being the only solution. Like where did this even come from I was so happy and i don’t know who I am anymore. Like I don’t know. And I keep having panic attacks and it’s just rough. Everything is very stressful and I feel very sad. And if I don’t very down and sad I’m overthinking and panicking and every single thing stressed me out. And what’s even harder is that it’s so hard to even explain. Like I don’t know what to do anymore. Like I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Like i can’t breathe.

I've been going through the whatever amount of stages of grief for the death of myself. I've realized I've always been sad. That's exactly why I got into therapy. But all the bottled up emotions have come out now. And I just want to heal and finally feel okay. What makes this worse is that I was getting better, I was feeling happy and confident and good looking and all around amazing. I was finally being myself and I was going to bring it with me into this big new stage of my life. But I was prevented again.

i feel like some unnatural force always prevents me from finally being myself, being happy, being social, random stuff like social anxiety, to a bad haircut, to a bad first start, to a good ending but not a good middle.

I get to feel happy at the end and never for long. I don't know if its the depression talking but I'm tired of that. I really really am.

I want to feel better again.

not again because I just want to feel good.

Going into this deep depression, ive just been sitting in a pool of my own thoughts. it feels lonely but that's not the sadness i get. my sadness takes over my desires now. Things that used to make me happy don't at all. Things I hoped to achieve seem very difficult. 

no motivation.

no motivation doesn't just mean not being able to get up, or not being able to eat. It means not seeming to care about your dreams. And thats something I dont want to feel. I hate that. I hate this. I hate everything with a burning passion inside of me. but i dont even have the motivation to hate.

I cant do anything.

motivation can and will kill you. its a necessity like food and water.

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I had a big mental break down yesterday. I don’t feel very good. I’ve kinda fixated on that phrase. I don’t feel too good. Because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to explain so it seems like the easiest thing.

People don’t understand how hard it is when the ask oh well what’s wrong? 

As you can see I’ve written more then 4 pages full back and front of how I’ve been feeling and it’s still not enough and still hard to understand.

I can’t explain my feelings and thoughts, I want someone to go in my brain and just diagnosis me and give me the pills. That’s it.

But I just don’t know how someone who doesn’t even know me is supposed to diagnosis me and stuff. Is supposed to tell me what’s wrong.

It’s hard. Everything is hard and people really don’t understand what I mean by that.

Anxiety.

I’ve been getting very bad social anxiety. Much worse then what it was before but it’s so much worse now. And I hate that because I am such SUCH a social person. I’m a very extroverted social person who has social anxiety it doesn’t make sense.

You see when I look good I feel confident. It’s as if if I look the part I can play the part. But if I don’t then no one’s gunna like actually accept or take me seriously or something like that? I don’t even know.

I just hate all of this and I just.. I’ve been goin to therapy I just want a pill or a magic wand to fix me. And I know that sounds dumb because there’s no way in hell that’s possible but yeah.

edit update:

      Everything is very hard. I just feel very disappointed in myself right now but it also feels like I’ve just stopped living. Like everyone is still going and I just stopped.

It’s just cause I worked so hard to get to a point where I could grow it wasn’t even the top of the mountain. It was just a place where I was somewhat happy. I always feel this. I feel sadness and just not fun in life for 8 months a year and then the rest I start adjusting to my life and I start having a little more fun and start feeling a little happy and then it just goes away again leaving me feel sadder then the last time.

I don’t even get to feel very happy I just get to got back to the start of the race every time I reach somewhat to a good point or something like that.

I just hate everything.:(((

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And also sorry this is a long message:

Hey its really weird cause from when i started this drowning depressione ct. I feel so different now. I feel like a different kind of sadness. I really did and are going through the stages of grief. Before i feel like i was feeling all the pain emotions and everything and now it feels like i cant even explain how i feel at all. Its like im numb and everything is stressing me out. 2 words overwhelmed and stressed there simple words that have such powerful meanings but there range is so big. SO it something like depression. When i say im feeling overhwhelemed i feel over over over whelmed. Like you have no idea that fact im still up here talking to u is crazy. Another feeling ive been feeling. Is just not be bale to be social. I want to be social but its like i just cant i have no idea why. I just cant speak. I cant talk and interact. I just feel dead. And its like i cant explain beacuse my brain just works so differently. Im having this feeling where i see other people happy. I always, always comjpare my self to other people. Its not a negative thing its literally my brain just wants to match people. My brain wants to see how other people talk and interact and copy it. So when i feel upset, down, sad and i see all the opportunities to be cool and be friends with certain people it stresses me out. Why? Because im back to square one. I was so ready and i know ive said this so many times but its because its so true, i was so ready to be this cool fun person to be myself. Myself someone who makes me truly happy to be. And then i killed her. Doing one thing i killed her and shes gone. And now that person i worked so hard to be is gone. So who am i now? What happened? Where di that person go? Why does this always happen. It would be easier to relate if i had gone through this before but anything bad and any struggles ive gone through looked like absolutely nothing compared to this. Im sad when i was supposed to be and could have been so happy. Just going through the day? Is just waiting for time to pass. Im just sitting her waiting. Waiting fot everything to be okay because ive tried everything im doing everything its just nothing matters anymore. And what im working towards is just to be okay. Right now im holding on the a broken rope barely surviving. Through this experience ive gone through hell, ive gone through the currents, the ocean, drowning, fire, stranded on an island, falling down the mountain, in a hole, so deep. My greatest analogy has been the water though. I felt like i was drowning and now i feel like i finally have gotten out of the water and am now stranded on a small island. One trip and i can fall back into the water. With storms coming. Wheni picture it the island is very small and where the water is its dark and stormy. The island seems to be sunny but it doesnt feel good at all. And on the island it just seems like sometimes i can be at peace while feeling hopless. Ive tried to make a fire,, ive tried to cut food, to fish, to write a help sign, and everything has just led to disappointment. Feels like id much rather just lay down in the sand and just wait for help to eventually come. Just wait what i always do because its the only thing im comfortable with. Just waiting for it to pass but i cant wait. I have to get through this. I have to. I have to come out stronger and better even though is takin away precious memories rightnow. Its taking control of my life. And trust me the little things i have control of ive tried to use but everything else rules it over by a lot. I cant control anything right now. Ive lost i really have. And now what can i do but wait? What can i do but take it slow and easy while i lose everything in the process. Its so painful. Im just. I just dont know what to do

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I just feel overall very overwhelmed with everything I know this is a long message but one the big things are that I’ve worked so hard to get out of this and now that I’m back in it I’ve realized it really is out of my control. Because it’s just a circle. I’ve gone through this before it’s just worse this time and I just hate living like this. always waiting for it to get better or fantasying about the future or walking in circles listen to music. I hate this. I now that I’m at a point where my envoiment is fun and I’m just not it sucks. I can’t go out there and do it. I’m just stuck. Stuck with this extreme anxiety. But I want to have fun but I can’t. My mind stops me. I need help. I’d do anything just to get something to fix and help me. Because I want to be able to be a normal person.