brain dump (15)

​I’ve been praying. I tried to start praying today. I don’t really believe in god but I have been pretty spiritual I believe in the universe.

I believed in manifestation and karma. But recently I’ve just been feeling very lost and betrayed by the universe. I researched a lot when this sadness started happening and lots of articles pointed me to things like I’m supposed to grow or the universe is testing me. Doesn’t seem like that. I’ve asked for signs and I’ve tried to manifest. 

For me manifesting has never come easily but once it happens to you and you start to revive what you ask a few times you start to believe it’s real. I believe in angel numbers and I do see them all the time. My mom first saw them but that’s a story for another time.

I just feel the universe has really left me and betrayed me. It’s a bad feeling and I know it seems extreme. But I’ve been thinking about this thought for a couple weeks now. I’ve trusted the universe in everything in me and it’s just given me bad luck after bad luck.

You have no idea. It really does seem unreal how much bad luck after bad luck I really have been getting. I had a breakdown in the car a day or so ago. I yelled so loudly “gimme a fucking break please”.

I hated feeling like that and like this. So fucking dependent and feeling so fucking pathetic. I’ve tried everything with the universe, meditation, calm, manifestation, asking for signs, asking for reasons nothing seems to be working.

The universe usually gives me some kind of signs I can follow right now nothing. I feel betrayed because the universe seemed to be giving me good signs up and then just did this to me.

I don’t know how to truly explain. I’ve just started today to pray to god. Something that makes no sense to me. The universe makes a lot of sense and I believe in it I just feel betrayed. God doesn’t seem real to me at all yet I still prayed and it made me feel better. Maybe because I didn’t have to think about like how I think so much with the universe with different manifestations methods and ways and tricks. I just prayed.

Put both hands together and just prayed to feel better than I’ve ever felt, to feel happy, to look good, to feel confident, to have people who make me feel happy. 

Please. 

I’ll do anything to get happiness, confidence, friends, to look good, to feel good.

I hate this feeling with everything in me you don’t understand the feeling of being stuck and feel like no one understands. Everyone’s living and I’m just stuck. I can’t keep going.

Grief is definitely what it feels like. The death of my self.