brain dump (19)

​what if it’s all over?

I worked so hard to finally find myself to become this person and then I never got to live as that person.

I loved that person.

Why did this happen? I was so ready and I could of had so much fun but instead I’m here. Sitting alone, missing out on everything and not even knowing who I am anymore.

It really does show to be grateful for all you have. I can’t be grateful now it just really doesn’t feel good.

My mind made the world a lense of black and white. 

I wanted to have fun. But now I am sad I can’t even write properly right now.

Disappointment, sadness, hopelessness, and huge amounts of loss is what I feel.

I don’t want to go back until I feel good again. 

I don’t feel good at all right now it just feels like I was finally doing better. Like as if you had been sick for a long time and you finally started to get better after months of medication, treatment and effort to feel better and then as soon as you started to feel better it all came back to you during a huge change you had been excited for.

It’s just so so sad. And it’s so sad that no one understands. I worked so hard and I was so ready and I could of been having so so much fun but ofcourse something always has to prevent me from being able to just be happy.

A few months ago I would of never NEVER thought I’d end up where I am right now. And the more time that goes by the worse it gets and the farther away I feel from that person who was finally feeling genuine happiness.

I miss that person, that place, that feeling, that not a care in the world. I want that laughter and that smile back. I want that feeling just all back.

Everything is so sad now. And even if it starts to feel better I’m never going to be able to get this opportunity back. This big change is never going to come back or atleast not in this chapter of my story. :(

It’s really really sad. 

edit update:

Honestly I just want to wait until I feel better. I don’t want to go back until I feel better. I don’t really know how to explain but I really want to try again. I want to start again. I want to start over. I need a start over it’s sad but like I talked about a couple posts ago the race.

A shiny new fast car that was ready for the race. Except this car broke the night before. The car that had prepared so much for the race was now broken and just in the race trying to survive. The whole point of the work and preparation was to try and win or just do well atleast in the race. Now the car is just trying to survive while slowly breaking even more. 

I need to get out of the race and get repairs. I need to wait until I feel better again to go back and try again.

The race won’t start over again for me and I might never get the opportunity of this race again and it really is and was a shame :(

I don’t know what to do anymore it’s very hard to explain my pain but it’s a huge wave of sadness definitely,