brain dump (7)

​A huge part of me just wonders how did I even get here? How did I end up like this when I was so happy.

How did I end up becoming a person who can barley keep themself alive. From a person who couldn’t stop living every single day.

How did someone who was doing so good and getting bettter. Fall so far down so quickly.

I feel farther away from where I started. 

Miles down I can’t even see the top of the mountain.

Now it feels worse.

Now it feels much much worse.

What do I do?

Really.

Because the longer I keep going the harder it’s all becoming.

Before I was pushing through the storm. Now I can’t go any longer the island I’m stuck on is getting smaller and smaller.

What’s harder now? Drowning struggling to swim. Because at least I was too distracted and could keep thinking I was going. Now i feel so so tired. And done.

Death seems like peace. 

It’s going to happen. I don’t want to.

Suicide is something the old me could of fought. Hell I’ve helped a couple of my friends get out of these dark times.

I’ve always been on the other side of these situations. Helping people. I can’t get help.

I’ve never trusted help. I’ve always had trust issues. I’ve never been able to open up. So what do I do now?

Now that, that mask I’ve always worn has come off. Now that the person I was playing. Now that the tape on my frown. What do I do?

Your watching my struggle and that hurts my heart so much. You feel hopeless? Well I feel death is the only solution.

Do you know how it feels to feel death is the only solution?

Do you know how it feels to be this person. Because I’ve never known. I’ve always been the therapist. I’ve always been the one helping because I know how it feels to feel worthless.

I know how it feels to feel pain. And I was so proud of these people to be able to show there pain and ask for help and so I was always there as support because as much as they needed me through there dark and hard times I needed them.

I needed them to know that what I was feeling I wasn’t alone. Even when I couldn’t tell anyone the struggles and pain because I as a person couldn’t explain.

Do you know how it feels to not even feel human? To feel your doing your absolute best and it’s not enough for anyone. Not a single person.

To feel that everyone thinks your okay but inside your actually struggling and in fear.

And then suddenly. It all comes out.

All the pain. Every single ounce of struggle and frustration and stress and grief and fear and despair and sadness and anger and confusion that you pushed down it all come out. All at once all so fast. With no warning. With no mask. It just over floods. And then your drowning in a sea of your own tears. But you just learned how to swim. Your drowning. Waves crashing every which way. A storm a tornado a tsunami every single thing in your way. Life goes completely wrong.

But do you know how that feels?

How it feels to do your best at your worst.

To feel the floor beneath you fall.

To feel yourself fading into the darkness. Where have you gone? And you were just so happy.

Do you know how it feels to hear the simples words;

“Hey are you okay?”