brain dump (10)

 

Hi, another..

well.

Just another not good day again.

    I still feel sick but now staring to feel better, ive become very sad again. This feeling is something I hate so much.

    It hurts to even type because its so hard to explain.

    I know people have gone through worse but I feel very alone. Even with all the people, I feel no one can truly help me because they don't understand.

I'm shaking writing this because today really doesn't feel good. Did I lose that person?

That person that was me?

I've been going through the whatever amount of stages of grief for the death of myself. I've realized I've always been sad. That's exactly why I got into therapy. But all the bottled up emotions have come out now. And I just want to heal and finally feel okay. What makes this worse is that I was getting better, I was feeling happy and confident and good looking and all around amazing. I was finally being myself and I was going to bring it with me into this big new stage of my life. But I was prevented again.

i feel like some unnatural force always prevents me from finally being myself, being happy, being social, random stuff like social anxiety, to a bad haircut, to a bad first start, to a good ending but not a good middle.

I get to feel happy at the end and never for long. I don't know if its the depression talking but I'm tired of that. I really really am.

I want to feel better again.

not again because I just want to feel good.

Going into this deep depression, ive just been sitting in a pool of my own thoughts. it feels lonely but that's not the sadness i get. my sadness takes over my desires now. Things that used to make me happy don't at all. Things I hoped to achieve seem very difficult. 

no motivation.

no motivation doesn't just mean not being able to get up, or not being able to eat. It means not seeming to care about your dreams. And thats something I dont want to feel. I hate that. I hate this. I hate everything with a burning passion inside of me. but i dont even have the motivation to hate.

I cant do anything.

motivation can and will kill you. its a necessity like food and water.

i dont like being this sad person writing about there thoughts are starting a podcast about it. I miss being this happy, dumb, funny person.

now i wonder if that was even ever me?

i dont know. im very tired.

i dont know what to do anymore and i mean that.