02-21-24

     Soooo, once again no I havent updated in a little bit....

Honestly, life has been complicated I cant say im not happy but i cant say i am obvi reading the past entries i have gone through a lot. Today i found myself just crying. I walked into my therapists room and kinda just started bailing. I stopped taking my medcine so thats one of my triggers thats been kinda telling my mind i need it to survive. Which isnt true, i dont need that medcine to feel good. (maybe i do) my thoughts right now are kinda all over the place. I couldn't sleep at all last night and i've also been writing down my jounral entries everywhere from my notebook, to my notes app, to the new journal apple app (its rlly cool, its just not da notes app)

    Its werid cause this guy i used to be obbessed with like its so compilicated this parts acc a really complicated story and I dont think ive gotten into it. Basically long sotry short someone who means a lot to me has been on my mind a lot recently even though we've distanced greatly from eachother. It kinda sucks thinking about him all the time again like how i used its in control of me. Its crazy how a silly crush like him evolved into so much. It really is a complicated story.. and I know i can't be stuck in the past its just really werid moving on from your first love, someone who meant so much to you, some one you talked to about everything. It doesnt feel right like a charcter in a movie they always some how end up back with there person, or they end up with someone else and we as the audience stare in disgust and anger. Cause wat da faq.

I dont know its been a heavy thought on mind esp with summer coming up so soon, im excited dont get me wrong its just rlly scary because last summer was my peak happiness and i dont know if this summer can compete which a lot of times makes me feel worse and so much sadder. I dont want to feel sad i want to feel okay and happy. Weridly just everythings been stressing me out.

I got a job recently, and im doing track too so my minds been busy but i guess with all the distractuions i give myself. I guess the feeling just coming out overwhelemingly. sometimes crying feels good and sometimes it just feels like im worthless.

I also have been feeling rlly lonely, like it truly hurts my heart. its always been a goal to find my people and i never can find those people. I mainfest so hard to find my people. and i just feel so lonely. like look at me right now typing pathetically to an imaginary document on an invisble blog. I know absoultly no one reads this. i mean i dont blame anyone this isn't that formal it has many spelling mistakes and watnot. I dont know.

I miss him. I liked being able to call him. Its werid how many people just leave. I have sevre abondment issues due to childhood experinces, I also have untreated ADHD that lead to depresssion i also have undiagnoised bipolar because i dont want to be diagnoised and have that burden on me. I have huge trust issyes. I hate my walls. I feel alone and trapped inside this cage of mine. Ive always wanted friends. And again im just really worried summer isnt going to be what it was. Im preparing myself for the dispaointment but i dont think its enough.

I also really want a partner i want my person my bf. someone who understands me someone i can laugh too and hug and fall in love and have butterflies too someone whos loyal someone who makes me happy someone who makes me smile someone who i make them smile someone i can care about and not worry about them leaving someone who loves me someonw who makes me happy someonw who can take my lonelniess away. someone who is attractive and when i look at them im in absloute awe. 

Its unlike me to want a cringey relationship like that ive never wanted one like that but now ive never wanted one so bad. I still fein for the bestfriend bf/gf relationship. but yk. :(

I dont know i just hope ebeyrhting ive prayed and mainfested is on its way, i hope everything will be okay. I hope one day ill be so happy to just be alive. :)

X0X0, not it