2-22-24

 

   mood:  😪😥😢😩😶

- Today was kinda idk. It was alright idk. I guess my head was lowk racing throughout the day. Idk my thoughts were kinda bubbling in my head rlly loudly. listening to music all day made it feel better but sometimes i think im not real. Just a body of air filled with music and lyrics and quotes and memes. the feeling of nothing and unreal ness. I dont its weird. kinda been insecure abt being sad.. idk i dont think ive ever been so open w my like emotions and feelings until this year. its rlly werid because id never cried infront of people till this year. its like everything inside of me just exploded. ive been rlly worried its gunna happen again. and i know it will. i can feel it coming. its a weird fear. anxiety is such a troubling thought. its smt that just doesn't go away. looking back at those months anxiety and like mostly depression kinda controlled me. my emotions completely made me i was absolutely nothing but pain and thoughts. I guess i cant rlly feel happy with anxiety. I do a lot of things to distract myself, i work alot, i run alot, i talk and laugh and hangout with my friends all the time. ive been told and asked by people a lot about why im always out n about w people. wether there people im close too or not. I hangout w alot of people almost all the time, because i absloutly hate being myself. Being alone has always had me with the worst thoughts. A lot of times i cant sleep because of how loud my head is esp without meds. I dont like having to drive myself with meds. I dont like needing it.. at all, and getting off of it has kinda ironically again been stressing me out. although ive been slowly wiggling off my meds since jan/dec its still scary knowing smt cud go wrong again. i hate being bipolar i know i am and ive already been told i just dont want that offical label. its werid i hate labels. i hate being controlled by something so negative like that. its kinda hard working rlly hard just to feel okay and happy. i do get jelous i act like i dont. but i do. i envy people who feel okay and are happy. even in my happy moments i know ive feel sad. i always have to think about everything even in happy moments i think abt the way its gunna be so fast till im lost and sad again. sometimes when im the most in pain and feel like dying i kinda just daydream. i daydream abt everything. i love daydreaming it makes me feel something it makes me feel away and happy. I have this thing, a label for it (i hate labels, but people seem to understand w them) i have this thing called maladaptive daydreaming or MD its kinda rare ig u cud say not rlly maybe it comes off of having ADHD.. but i got diagnoised with about 6th or 7th grade. its kinda just a world i go into and daydream. like theres charcters and stuff its kinda childish but its a coping skill i kinda devolped since i was younger. ive had sum traumatic experinces that kinda led to having MD, ADHD, bipolar, normal anixety disorder, like alltat. yk its lowk whatever everyone has there issues and im fine w having a lil more cause ik other people have probelms in other ways. i dont have the best home at all esp when i was younger my childhood (even tho im still in it) shaped in a lot of negative ways. but along the way ive had a lot of coping skills and defenses ig. idk i have trust issues and abondment issues. that one kinda hurts. it hurts even a little when i see someone distanting and its ironic because i do it too when i sense "danger" as u can say. i lowk like ive repeated hate all these little labels and diagonses but it is what it to be honest. I dont know im a very i dont care typa person to people in real life. and idk i try to act 'bubbly' and happy and like laughy ig. im very stoopid to people over text and everuthing. idk. so rapping all the way up to what i was tyrna say in the begining.. im insecure and scared of being sad infront people. i hate being the depressed one even though i am and icant hekp it. i want to be happy. i rlly do, and so i hate hate absloutly hate and worse than hate have no respect for people who "pretend" and "think" they have depression. you dont imma be so fr. and if you wanna be like that you can i dont gaf but dont be acting like that to me and no expect me to literally look at you like ur acc dumb. Cause i do not fw people like that. Im acc rlly understanding like i am, and i know sometimes it might not seem like that cause i bully people as love :). But irlly am understanding and so you can alwys vent to me if your struggling i completly understand cause ive been there. but there's a big difference between struggling and complaining. i fucking hate people who complain like sometimes i wish that they cud go through it, but then i do not wish something like upon my worst enemies.. but then again. stfu :)

" there's a big difference between struggling and complaining. " 

 

XoXo, me