8-28-24

 This gunna sound so bad and I thought I would have learned from last year but I really just want to be cool and acknowledged.

Like I'm a huge observer, I match and just observe what other people do. It's weird and I wish I was able to be myself with new people. It takes me a long time to just be myself, I'm always this fake person with other people so it requires a lot of energy to be friends and become friends. I don't know if it doesn't come naturally but I want so badly to find friends and people that make me feel cool. I'm not sure how to explain it. I've always always wanted to feel this way. It's weird and makes no sense, but I also think that if this is the way I think then I'm putting so much pressure on other people to make me feel happy. During summer i dont think I'm putting too much pressure to go out and look good and in the end I do end up looking good or hot or whatever. At school though I'll put so much effort into my appearance for my hair to get a little oily or for my skin to be filled with new acne. It's stupid and I hate it. I'm really good at fashion and style and all that. I'm not basic at all but I swear when I see another person with an amazing fashion fit I'm in my lazy fit. Like it's just like I always look really good and feel super confident on days I don't see anyone. It's ggrigivating. Just like how I look and feel in summer. I'm so happy, confident, and look good but there's no one around to hang out with or like to attract? Idk what's the point in attracting people you might ask. You're right, what is the point? I want to just feel happy, feel confident, but I really do want people to notice me and talk to me and like me. I've felt like I always have to make the first move in friendships and everything. I want people to like me, I want to be known, I guess , in a good way. I wanna just feel good walking into school and be able to go to my people. I think leaving the marching band is still weighing on my mind heavily. It was a big decision to leave because I lost that sense of belonging. Where do I belong now? I look up to people tbh like i've always been an observer like i've been seeing, looking and admiring the way other people live. I want to make connections with people and be able to talk to people truly and like to have fun friends. But even with all this I want to be able to be myself. I always have to think about what I want to say or how I should even talk. Like maybe I'm an introvert? Nah, I don't feel like what it feels like when I'm alone . I just talk to myself. I wish people understood me and the people who feel would and I would have fun or connect with people I don't know how to talk to. Like I just freeze up or just go silent like I have nothing to say. I want to be able to be like other people who can just talk and be themselves. I truly don't know how to just be myself. I'm praying that maybe things work out for me and magically this block disappears. I can be myself and be funny and loud and talkative with new people without trying. I can make connections and I don't have to always make the first move, someone else can admire me and say something. And I hate this where I keep looking not my best on days I meet people. I've always felt that even for other people, I'll be like omg she looks so good and then one day she'll have changed her look and she still looks good but only because i know how she looked a couple days ago yk? Like I'm like that I change  my look up a lot so if I randomly meet someone how are they supposed to know who I am if I don't know who I am?

I also can't focus on other things till I get this out of the way. That's also the thing praying for anything. I would focus and pray on this but I also want to focus on just being happy. I can't put all my energy into multiple things. So when I stress over something I can't seem to be able to do anything till I get that out of the way. Specifically right now with school work. Can't get anything done tbh.