I've been a little down again.

 No brain dump or date title. Just the actual true title tonight.

- I was also looking back at a few documents I had last year, pretty rough ://

Did I go through all that for nothing? Just to feel everything yet again.

----- 8/27/24--------

Hey. it's been awhile i guess. 

      Right now I'm planning on writing all my feelings down. It's hard to explain the way I think, I have different vibes or motives you could say. For example every season has a different vibe to it, every part of my life has a different vibe to it. And right now school started. School was pretty good when I started . I felt good. I looked good but right now it's been extremely hard. I just want to feel good. That's all. To feel happy and good. My mind keeps spiraling and my heads all over the place. It's like what's the point? What's the point of anything? What's the point of looking good and feeling cool when at the end of the day I just feel sad, drained, tired, and empty. Complete emptiness. I don't want to do anything because I don't feel a part of anything anymore and I'm too down and sad and unmotivated to try. I know this isn't me because I've seen the motivation and I've seen the me that wants to try and be a part of new things. Right now I feel really just ugh. I worked hard and I did a lot to get myself feeling better but it all just felt like a temporary solution. I don't feel good right now and as much as i want to push those thoughts down i can't. Feeling sad and unmotivated to do anything is making me feel horrible in all aspects of my life. I want to be everyone's type and I want to be everyone's personality but I'm just tired of it. But then again I'm also tired of just being an observer, someone who obsesses and watches people and thinks all the time. I do this thing where I can see myself through other people's eyes. It's like huge intuition or spirituality or something. I'm getting my words all mixed up. Right now i feel okay, i can breathe and just be home but the thing is now i can't even feel okay at home. I don't want to talk to any friends, i don't want to have goals, i don't want to keep dressing up, but i've pushed myself to continue to do those things except i'm so close to giving up. This. is. a . never ending cycle. It is. It doesn't matter how much I work on getting better and feeling okay. I'll always be a sad person with happy moments and I'm tired of feeling that way. A week or two ago I was ready and was fighting those thoughts. I won't be a sad and tired person! I'm going to be okay. But now it's like will I? I literally just observe its really what i do. I look at everyone else's lives and eyes and watch them live so I can see how I'm supposed to, or maybe not even that but to see how others feel and think. No one thinks like this. I know they don't and the ones that maybe do are older. They're not living the same life as me there, not on the same path. I'm getting side tracked through. I wanted to write about all the things that are bothering me but I just want to shut down these thoughts and live. But I don't want to just get through the day anymore. I want to smile, I want to laugh, I want to feel good. I want to be able to just talk to people and not think of how they live their lives or how we can become close friends. I don't have many close friends at the moment, in fact I think it's always been like that. I've always wanted a close group of friends that get me and I can laugh with but the thing is right now I dont have the energy to talk to new people truly or to even actually have fun with friends I do have. How do I even have fun? Weirdly I want everyone to know me. It's kinda like when you think you're good at something but you havent reached your full potential or aren't acknowledged for it yet. That's how I feel with people. I have high confidence that I'm really cool and pretty or stylish or whatever but people catch me on bad days kinda like just bad luck. That's how it was last year. Last year I got a really bad haircut and it was freshman year so it felt like my entire world was ending, like I had so much potential and it was ruined. That's how I feel now, that I am really cool, etc. and no one knows? It's weird and sounds really egoistic but I think you'd understand if you were me. Like I love fashion and I work hard on my fits but I feel unconfident a lot of the time because I've felt as though I've looked better on different days. It kinda all has to do with validation of other people maybe? Like I don't feel like doing things that make me happy just for me. Because right now nothing actually makes me happy just for me. And I'm tired of doing things that are supposed to make me happy from the validation of other people. I'm kinda just tired of thinking like this all the time. I always do it'll never stop. I want to LIVE. Let me be young. Please just bring me people that make me feel happy and cool and I can have fun without the EFFORT of forcing myself to fit in. Im so many things and I wanna be so many things but because of that i'm nothing. Like I wanted to join so many clubs etc but because of doing that I wouldn't actually have my thing or close friends or whatever. I don't know that part needs a little more in depth explaining you'll get it later. But I'm so many things style wise like emo, alt, gold, athletic, etc. like it's all over the place and so I can't really find my people my niche. I don't know what i'm even saying i just never truly feel connected with people ever. I want to connect with people but I also can't connect with people unless I feel good, yk? I can't have fun unless I feel good. I want to feel carefree. Just live carefree and not think and feel for everyone. I wish I didn't care about how anyone else thought or felt about me unless it was positive. 🙂 manifesting good things to come.

• I want to believe it'll be better and it'll get better but i'm just so so so so so tired you have no IDEA.