9-11-23

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hey. I woke up a couple hours ago and I didn’t feel too stressed or overwhelmed.

Just sad and depressed. I think this feeling seems better and worse at the same time. My thoughts are still there but everything seems a little calmer.

Except, I can’t seem to do anything right now. I can’t seem to get up and do smt I can’t go out and get things done with work or school. 

This whole episode just feels so much. And what if realized is this really is my first time feeling like this before. It feels like all my emotions were always there I just got so good at hiding and masking it.

And suddenly something happened and that mask came off. That mask came off and all the sadness and pain I had pushed deep down just came up. It all pushed up and it’s overflowing.

Everything hurts right now. And I don’t know. I just don’t what to do. What can I do? Can I go back to the race? Because even if I do I can’t restart. I talked about this in the last post but I feel like a shiny new car that happened to break the day before the race. Going into the race broken, the car just keeps breaking and breaking until it’s finally broken. 

Even if I leave the race now and get repairs and start feeling better. I can’t restart. All the effort I worked so hard to be able to win the race it’s over. 

You see because now its just about getting through the race alive. It’s not about being able to do well or win. When that was the whole point.

What’s the point of all the preparation and practice u put in for a race when your car breaks down and now all your trying to do it get through the race without completing being destroyed.

Even if I take a break and get repaired. I’m  just gunna go back into the race midway. Everyone’s so far ahead of me and I’m just struggling to catch up. If you think about ut. I could probably do it.

I messed up the start of the race. And this race, this opportunity it’s never going to come back. And now I’m going to have to face the consequences of not being able to win or even try to do well in the race.

surviving was never the goal. It was winning.

So now what do I do? Life seems so much scarier then death right now.