brain dump (20)

​I don’t know.

I’m not sure how I feel right now which is definitely making it harder to write about and express.

I’ve been getting more help now but it seems like my brain just likes to shut down at the sign of actual help. One thing that completely kills me is my mind shutting down the motivation to keep going.

I feel like depression is such a generic term and it’s hard for me to express the way I actually feel to people. I have a very good way at reading people. I analyze people almost like a security skill my brain has developed to see if I can trust you.

I’m not sure how I got all these trust issues. There must be some deep deep message somewhere but I’m not sure.

I don’t feel very good right now. It’s a lot of loss. And one thing that’s keeping me down is trying to get up again. It feels like I took so much effort to learn how to swim and then I lost that skill and now I have to relearn it. What’s the point?

What’s the point in going through it all, all over again but worse.

There isn’t. I feel absolutely hopeless and I feel like no one understands. I put so much time effort and self battles to finally become the person I was so happy to be and then I never got to live that person in this new environment I was so ready and excited for.

So what’s the point in anything now. I don’t know. It might seem dumb and small but it’s killing me. It really really is.