brain dump (12)

​yesterdays post was a lot.

I had a big mental break down yesterday. I don’t feel very good. I’ve kinda fixated on that phrase. I don’t feel too good. Because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to explain so it seems like the easiest thing.

People don’t understand how hard it is when the ask oh well what’s wrong? 

As you can see I’ve written more then 4 pages full back and front of how I’ve been feeling and it’s still not enough and still hard to understand.

I can’t explain my feelings and thoughts, I want someone to go in my brain and just diagnosis me and give me the pills. That’s it.

But I just don’t know how someone who doesn’t even know me is supposed to diagnosis me and stuff. Is supposed to tell me what’s wrong.

It’s hard. Everything is hard and people really don’t understand what I mean by that.

Anxiety.

I’ve been getting very bad social anxiety. Much worse then what it was before but it’s so much worse now. And I hate that because I am such SUCH a social person. I’m a very extroverted social person who has social anxiety it doesn’t make sense.

You see when I look good I feel confident. It’s as if if I look the part I can play the part. But if I don’t then no one’s gunna like actually accept or take me seriously or something like that? I don’t even know.

I just hate all of this and I just.. I’ve been goin to therapy I just want a pill or a magic wand to fix me. And I know that sounds dumb because there’s no way in hell that’s possible but yeah.

edit update:

      Everything is very hard. I just feel very disappointed in myself right now but it also feels like I’ve just stopped living. Like everyone is still going and I just stopped.

It’s just cause I worked so hard to get to a point where I could grow it wasn’t even the top of the mountain. It was just a place where I was somewhat happy. I always feel this. I feel sadness and just not fun in life for 8 months a year and then the rest I start adjusting to my life and I start having a little more fun and start feeling a little happy and then it just goes away again leaving me feel sadder then the last time.

I don’t even get to feel very happy I just get to got back to the start of the race every time I reach somewhat to a good point or something like that.

I just hate everything. :(