brain dump (14)

​again I just woke up a couple hours ago. This morning I did not feel good I was definitely overthinking everything.

I hate that feeling. I always get that feeling though. My mind never turns off and it’s just very sad right now. It’s just like I’d rather just sit here then go out there and get disappointed. A huge part of me just wants to stay at home and slowly get better so I can just start again. I don’t know I just don’t want to go back there feeling like this. 

I don’t want to go back to that environment because I regret a lot of the times that I did go. I’m sad because I want to have fun and I want to live I just can’t. My mind or some force just stops me from being happy. Makes it extremely impossible. I don’t know why?

Why is this?

I don’t know. I don’t like feeling like this at all and being a deep thinker your world slowly gets sucked away into your head. I take things very seriously. Yet I’m a very chill funny person.

It sucks because I really felt happy. So now what? Now it’s just starting over again. Wasting my life just having to come out of depression over and over again. I just want to have fun. I just want to be myself. No else is living my life so no one else really does understand.

I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. It’s really really hard. And it’s just no one seems to understand at all.

I also feel very lonely. I feel like no one cares about me. Friend wise. Family’s always going to be there which kind of sucks because I don’t have a the best relationship with my family and I usually hate them but right now I can’t because of my situation. I feel not being there I am losing my friends. All my friends are living there own lives. Plus I don’t like the friends I have right now I want to make new ones, ones I can actually have fun with and laugh with and be crazy with.

I finally got that and I was ready to get more with this big change but everything just collapsed. This always happens. I hate it. I hate it so much.

Edit update:

Im very sad. It feels like i really could be out there making memories but instead I’m stuck here. I don’t know what to do I’ve said that so many times but it’s true.