brain dump (17)

​again I really really don’t feel good. I hate this so much I can’t even explain. My mind is moving so fast. I have this enormous feeling of almost regret. It just feels like I did ruin everything. How can I overcome this? I can’t, this was a once in a lifetime event it’s never going to come back and now I’m stuck right back where I was. Where I’ve always been. 

I’m supposed to grow with struggle and pain. That’s bullshit to me because I was already growing and becoming better and happy and now every time I start getting somewhere I get stopped and come right back here.

I hate everything. And my meds I don’t think they are working. Or maybe they are I have no idea. I can’t do anything. And I feel so ugly that I can’t even get ready and go out and do something.

- I’m sad and depressed 

- I feel ugly so I can’t do anything

- I have bad social anxiety right now

- I have a bad overthinking problem

- everything seems to be stressing me out

- I feel very stuck like a prison 

- it feels even when I get out of this I have ruined everything and I still have to go through this because I always do.

This never gets fixed and no one else has to deal with this. Maybe I could be able to deal with this it’s just the absolute worse timing ever it’s not fair at all to me. And I’m completely losing myself.

Like I am completely losing myself too. Like I’m doing things the old me would never do I hate HATE how I feel and no one seems to understand.

It feels like no one can help me. This is exactly why I feel very suicidal it does feel like my only option because it really is.

I’m tired of everything. And now I don’t even know how to explain the thought I’m feeling right now. It’s a pain of being back where I’ve always been. I’m stuck and I need help and I don’t know what to do. I’m just always doing the same thing over and over again. I thought I could finally live and have fun I had accomplished my goals but I never got to live the life.

I worked so fucking hard and it all just crumbled. It all just got destroyed. So what’s the point now? Who am I? I don’t even know I hate this. I hate that life pulled me to become this.

This seems a lot like the last post but trust me I’m talking about something a little different.

I just accomplished all my goals and I was ready to live the life and then it just got robbed from me by this depression. One domino got knocked over so then all the dominos I stacked up knocked over too. I just feel very left out of life. Definitely feels like I’m in the room but not there.

I don’t only feel sad one thing that’s very hard to explain is I’m a very deep thinker so my mind doesn’t stop. If I get over stressing about one thing my mind will find something else. And right now it just seems even outside forces have felt that way too. Everything feels very sad and upsetting. And everything is against me right now. I say that and im not manifesting it or anything by saying it.

It’s true.

The world just seems very against me right now and now it seems like it’s always been. Because why do I seem to have to some many struggles compared to other people but those struggles are so different. I feel like an alien going through so much but people not understanding and underestimating it completely.

I feel very very alone. People not understanding, feeling very different, and feeling like an alien. 

It also feels every time I find a solution to fix this whole problem it doesn’t work out and I’m left with much more disappointment. I told you before when I was excited to just take medication now I’m waiting for it to work. It’s all just a waiting game. Like world playing a game on me to see how much I can take. 

I can’t take it anymore.

I don’t even want to die. I don’t. I just want to move past this or I just want to go back. I never ever want to live in the present so like I said it’s just a huge waiting game. Always been always will be. I look back and I realize I’ve made so many memories but it never feels that way in the moment.

This is sad. All my potential all my hard work and dreams and efforts just gone. Everything I worked so hard for gone. It’s really sad. I can’t even begin to express. These brain dumps can’t even start with the things I think so deeply in my head.