brain dump (18)

​today was another not good day. I just overall had this feeling and rush of feeling hopeless. I do feel a little better right now even though having a super rough day.

This post doesn’t make a lot of sense unless you read some past posts! 😁

I looked at some recent photos and videos and they kind of made me feel happy when I thought they’d make me feel sad. They made me feel happy to see the me happy. Before looking at these memories made me sad because they were so recent. Now it feels like a little mix. It feels sad because I miss it and also a little sense of relief that I can still be that person.

I think I kept pushing the thought of always feeling this endless cycle to see me feeling a little good made me feel like there had to be some hope.

I still feel sad. It just feels very bad right now because I was so ready for this big change and everything just tumbled. 

It’s a huge amount of disappointment and sadness and grief.

It just doesn’t feel good.

I’ve really made up my mind that I don’t want to go back into the environment until I feel good. 4 months. I have a reasoning behind why 4 months I can’t really disclose because personal reasons and stuff I don’t know. But, it just feels like that time is so long.

It feels even though people are saying it’ll all get better I’m missing important moments again by being sad. This always seems to happen. I wonder why couldn’t I have these moments when I was happy? When I did feel good? When I did look so good? I don’t know.

It sometimes seems faith just stops me from being happy. Which makes me feel hopeless. Why must I always feel this? I just want to finally feel okay.