brain dump (3)

​I said a little of this in my last post but:

im still not okay. i feel like I don’t have any breaks right now to handle this all. im like a broken car on the day of the race. instead of getting repairs i keep racing and break down even more until I’m a complete broken wreck. i just feel tired and just kind of done. I feel like I’ve always felt this way I was just much better at hiding it and living in my head. I’ve always had like daydreams and a whole world in my head. But I feel like I had finally felt like pretty happy and it didn’t feel like the top it just felt like I was doing good and that I could do better. Like I was happy and everything was finally going good and my way and everything but then like I said something happened, it spiraled and everything went back down. Except this time I had felt that happiness so I had lost so much more. Now I’m stressed about tomorrow because school stresses me out so much. I’m doing bad in my studies and stuff because I’ve never been able to focus, and I always procrastinate. but now it feels like I’ve realized that I feel this way and certain things are harder for me because I do prolly have something. It’s just hard right now. My social anxiety just comes back. And what makes it all harder is it’s really hard to explain why I’m stressed because people don’t understand. I feel like no one understands how I think and stuff and I’ve always kind of felt that it’s just right now it feels really heavy. I always need a plan and like a way to do things, I’ve always kind of mimicked things I see on tv, or what people do. So a new environment is hard. I’ve always had a hard time adjusting and it makes sense that all my problems and issues have one reason now. I don’t know how to explain it well which stresses me out. But right now I just don’t like anything. School seems so toxic and dark and depressing and frustrating and long and slow and draining and anxiety provoking. Just makes everything I’ve been feeling worse. And it’s like I went through that month I kept going and now I can’t do it anymore I used all my energy to keep going. And nothings changing it’s just getting worse and it’s just hard. And just everything