introduction.

 Hey, I'm going through a really rough time right now. And, I've never felt this low or depressed before. I started this blog and a podcast in the peaks of my depression. Sadness gives you inspiration and makes you so much artistic. (funny how artistic sounds so much like autistic). I'm a really good writer and I love writing. Since I was younger I always thought my mind worked differently. And now going through this storm I've realized that maybe it really does. And ofcourse just like you would search up your symptoms for when your sick, I searched up what could be wrong with me. One of the most common answers that came up were ADHD. I read more into to it and talked to my therapist and it felt like everything made so much sense. A got a temporary sense of peace. 

    A lot of articles talked about how untreated ADHD can lead to depression. The exact same depression im expericing.

     For me, my mind works very very fast. I'm always thinking and especially overthinking. Sometimes even when I try to brain dump or write it out it can't reach the paper fast enough.

    I hate feeling the sadness i'm feeling right now. Time is both my enemy and friend. I feel like trying to be better and get better. I am losing so much in the process. Who am I anymore?

This depression, was caused because I went into a major change in my life. I change I was so ready for until one thing went wrong and all the dominos I had worked so hard to stack up fell down. It's weird because now that i'm feeling down. All I can think of to cope are things that used to make me happy, things that felt goof before. The past.

I know i have to grow and change. Life right now is pushing me to grow and change. Early on I felt like I was drowning in a sea. Storms and waves crashing. Now i feel like, I've finally reached a point where I've found a stranded island in the middle of nowhere, and I'm just stuck. Stuck on this island waiting for help to come. The island is so small, so just one trip and I land right back into the waters.

I hate the way I feel. Extreme happiness and extreme sadness. The happier I am the taller the fall. I don't want to live a life like that anymore. I want to be able to just be okay. 

I remember the first date the storm started. I'll never forget. I'll be able to tell this story in the future, my struggles. I'll be able to say "I almost gave up.". I was so close to the end. I felt like the entire world was against me.

I have to keep going.

Right now, it feels like its all over. Like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Like every single ounce of everyone's stress I'm absorbing. Everyone is so happy around me because, I have taken all of there pain. Things that used to make me happy now just smile in my face.

I wish everything was okay.

But it's not.

I don't know what else to do but pray.

Beg for guidance, show me a way.

I feel tired and I don't know what to do. Depression is the worst but it doesn't make me, me. Even though I feel the storm is so big. And even though I feel like after the storm leaves im going to have to pick up the pieces. I just feel so stressed to keep going back to an environment that makes me so sad. A place that makes me want to give up. A place that scares me and makes me so uncomfortable.

People can give me advice all day and all night but, at the end of the day its just noise. its noise that doesn't do anything. I can try and think positive do my best and change my thoughts but its chemicals in my brain. I can't control that. 

I can't control anything. Its all out of my control. Everything is just spiraling everywhere. Its overwhelming. I need medication, I need that diagnosis. I need that peace to know the problem so I can finally find a solution. All my life I've had struggles and no one ever knew the answers. I've just been waiting for my perfect life, fantasying and dreaming.

So here are finally.. the whispers i wont burn.

recent podcast episodes:

the beginning. 

its just really hard right now.