2-22-24

​okay okay okay so it’s the same day but ig this is my second like entry but this one’s more of a fast typing cause I’m on my phone and also like it’s more a angry vent. Cause I’m sad and tired and I hate my home som much I wish I wasn’t born here I was I lived in place in my dreams I’m jealous of everyone I hate my life I don’t hate myself contradictory to what people might think I just hate the way that I Was brought up u hate what I had to go through when I was younger thinking the things I saw and had to hear were normal at that age I realized they weren’t and it’s the reasons I’m like how I am I didn’t deserve that and it’s hard to try to move on and feek good and be normal and cause after dreams with things as stupid as the past and ptsd holding me back all these disorders that carried on w me. Not even just mental ones to be honest. I’ve also had a good deal of health issues like ig the hospital is literally a second home I know so much abt doctory thingys I cud lowk be a nurse I fucking hate everything tho. I want to be happy I try hard to be positive but sometimes I just break down my minds kinda used to it and it might sound sad but I do cry almost every night not by like me just being sad but because of the people I live w and certain people whom I always end up fighting w they make me feel like shit and yet I still must love them . It’s one of the reasons I forgive so easily. I hate forgiving so easily I can’t acc fully drop people and when I do sometime in da near future I’ll start thinking abt them again. I hate that. I hate my home. It’s made a huge impact to me and I think last year is when I fully realized how bad it is. Im in the home stretch and I’ve started getting rlly busy to the point I don’t have to come home I like being able to just stay in my room and avoid everyone for the very little time I’m home. Makes me feel lonely tho cause the person and people (my neighbors) who I used hangout with all the time are busy now and we kinda have lost contact a little makes me sad cause we’ve made so many memories like I remember when we would hangout every single day after school till the sun went down and when we would hangout during the weekends 6-8 hours at a time maybe longer. Miss those times being younger but I’m still a kid. It’s kinda the worst being this age at this time. I guess it’s just my luck tho:/. I don’t know sometimes when I manifest and pray (I do this a lot cause I feel helpless and it makes me feel just tinsy bit better) the things will finally come at a moment I don’t want or need them anymore to be happy but at the times I did I won’t have them. Things like my friends and people. At the moment sometimes it might just be my mind messing with me but I feel extremely lonely. And it’s sad.. it just feels like sometimes the people I talk too truly don’t see me for me or that they don’t acc know me or that they wudnt rlly mind if we js stopped talking. I feel like I have no one and one reminder of that is looking at my phone and only having 3 items pinned in messages my family gc and dad and my bsf I don’t even talk to my bsf over text she just means a lot to me ig that part that hurts is that I used have all 9 pins filled and like I wud text them all the time maybe it’s cause during summer no ones rlly doing anything i dont know:( i dont get how i manage to be happy in summer. I manifest the most right now is new close people. People who acc mean smt to me and i can mean smt to them someone i can call and hangout w it and all that. Just feels at the moment i dont have those people. Is it my fault? I dont know. I miss him. Not as a boyfriend just as a person he knows everything abt me and I know everything abt him I’ve talked to him abt so many things and it’s werid cause he was smt that made me so happy even for the little things he wud do i want that feeling back and i guess feeling desperate and lonely makes me want him more. What’s been making it worse is that he started to stop responding and stop talking to me. It’s sign i start thinking abt it him a lot and he’s moved on even though im the one who broke it. I know this is how it needs to be but it physically pains me to see him w someone else like I can’t I can’t do that like I don’t want to think abt it again. So I’m sorry to u even tho we’ve talked abt it sm. I miss laughing w u u understood me. But I don’t wanna get to into to it in here cause firstly I don’t wanna think abt it and secondly dis shit abt me not him.:) anyways I don’t know I just rlly rlly need to be happy. And my biggest thing right now and kinda always has been loneliness like I had a friend group but after we like left middle school it broke and I knew it wud we all did so that’s why we made summer sm fun. But now it’s like. Damn. Im alone. Like there’s not rlly a lot of people I can just call up and be like wwp and very small amount of people. Like I have ALOT and I mean ALOT of friends but do I have close friends? Atm not rlly… which makes me rlly sad tbh.. cause like I said in an earlier entry or smt like that I lowk hate being alone it kills me inside and out. Like I can’t handle it.. I’ve always always wanted a group that felt like family because I don’t rlly have a good family of my own. And the real one I do have lives all the way up in C.A 🇨🇦(I’m from da USA- u can see da location of da post) . But idk pray for me because for all da people who have prayed on my downfall trust me it’s been working maybe dis switch it up and help me out babes:)

ty, XoXo me