11-29-25

I’ve been writing my thoughts down everywhere. A lot in my Google Drive, notes, and journals. Keeping them all over the place.

I hope I’m not being too mature.. by that I mean idk. I don’t have as much urges to want to go out, go have fun and just be a teen ig. It’s funny cause during summer I was telling myself and acting so free.. by that I mean I had the mindset that people in my life came and left. That I was a baddie and I was confident. I feel like it’s always that type of high in summer.. cause if I was like that during school I'd prolly peak.

I still have a long way to go. And I’m tired of feeling drained. I’ma be outside having fun don’t worry. I just want to keep my birthday small this year and I don’t want that to make me feel lame or small. I want to be more mature but still be having fun. Because 17 is a big one, that’s one year away from being an actual adult.. 18. Last year really being a kid. That’s crazy to think because I still have sm fun to have. Sm to learn. Sm to let go.

I don’t want to keep being stuck on the past and think maybe I should go back to being like that. Nah I’m good, I’m good the way I am. I’m good with whoever decides they wanna stick by me. I’m good knowing that divine timing is real so when things I want come, it’s for reasons and they’ll come at an even better time. I will be free and I am grateful for everything I have at the moment. And I know I'm magnetic and attractive.

I genuinely am cool and pretty and so much more than that and people who can’t see it really don’t matter to me. I love the ego boost but I can be sitting in my room like right now by myself and still believe it. I don’t need no fake audience in my head telling me I’m cool or looking up to me. I look up to me. I see the situations I go through and glow.

I manifest everything and I get everything I want. Everything does end up working for me and everything on that vision board has/will come true. Every thought and dream I’ve wanted has and will come true. I am outside having fun. I am alone with myself and thriving. I am genuinely a prize to have and it is a privilege and blessing to know me. Because even at my lowest I’m genuinely so attracting. Not by the way I look but by my energy.

I've thought about killing myself a couple times now. Don’t worry — I’m okay. It’s just when I get so stressed, my mind makes me think about it, like feeling absolutely nothing. I wouldn’t do it. I know I wouldn’t. It’s just that recently things have pushed me to my limits. It feels like I’m trapped in a box, like I’ll never be free. I think about how close I am to 18, but part of me thinks about all the disappointment. Will I even be free then? Will I ever be free?

I’m lost right now. All I wanted was one thing — to drive on my own — and even that feels heavy now. The stress, and the feeling that I can’t even be free to drive. I’m right exactly where I’ve always been: empty, crying in my room, my mom hating and not agreeing with me, my dad disappointed in me for crying. I don’t know why I thought things could be different.

A part of me feels like, as someone who loves being social and tries so hard to be social and get where I am today, everyone still hates me. Like I’ll never be the person I want to be. I’ve given up on the future I wanted because it feels unrealistic. I feel like giving up. Every time I try to pick myself up, I get knocked back down. Something always happens against me, and I tell myself maybe the universe is protecting me.

I don’t really feel upset or sad. I feel nothing, but all I want to do is cry. When I start writing how I feel, I realize I actually do feel it. I’ve thought about cutting my arms over and over, but what would that even do besides get me attention? I don’t want attention. I don’t want to keep proving myself to random people again and again.

I’m struggling. I keep trying to bob my head above water and pretend I can swim just fine. My grades are slipping and I genuinely feel stupid. I know I’m stupid. I just can’t seem to do things right. I feel everything in my life slipping. I’m lazy. I’m tired. I don’t even want to move, and when I try to force myself to get out, I can’t leave. It’s like something is holding me back.

I think I was so disappointed that the final just made me realize nothing is on my side, and the good only shows up by coincidence. What’s the point of all my positive talk when I don’t want to be patient anymore? I’m tired. I want to smile. I want to feel happy and free and have my parents trust me. I want to feel protected, have good grades, and have everything work out for me.

But right now, I feel like I’m in a dark cloud. Like I have nothing to be thankful for. Like if something else happened, I wouldn’t even feel worse — I’d just let everything fall. No matter how much effort I put in, things fly past me in seconds and I’m running as fast as I can to catch up. No one notices or sees. I’m not cool enough, I’m not nerdy enough, I’m not pretty all the time, I’m not straight enough, I’m not WLW enough — I’m not enough. And even if I was, would it matter? People would always be better than me.

There’s no point in being better than other people if, at the end of the day, all I want to do is feel empty and cry. It’s a comfort now. I don’t know how to live without crying and feeling upset. That’s all I have to say today. I’m not sure what to do. When the world gets too big, my hands reach for the keyboard and I’m back where I start every story. I feel like a baby again, like all my accomplishments, mindset changes, and manifestations disappear.

Part of me feels like giving up, like wishing this was the last time. My mind can’t even express how I feel. I was so excited to drive on my own when this school year started and during the summer. It was something I was waiting for, something I was proud of. But now that it keeps getting pushed and pushed away, it feels like I’m chasing it. Everything is a never-ending race. No matter how hard I stay optimistic or happy, things start collapsing little by little.

I went from being excited to gain freedom to feeling like it’s all stripped away. And not to put the blame on a person, but it is because of her. But then when I think logically, I’ve been happy and motivated with myself while also making time for her. I manifested that I am worthy of a relationship, of school, of a social life, of sports, of working, of being able to drive. For a moment, I saw the vision of being able to drive — not for anyone else, but for myself. Waking up early and driving to Starbucks or Dunkin like every other junior and senior. Since freshman year I imagined walking into school focused on myself, my work, my studies — like everything was working out. My parents on my side. Me being free. Me being able to maintain connections.

I manifested my license, and there it was. I manifested my insurance, and it came to me. Then this vision of finally being free disappeared.

I’ve never felt so insecure at a time I thought I’d be the happiest. The embarrassment of not being able to drive — something that means so much to me. The embarrassment of getting less freedom instead of more. The feeling of being a baby, like both my parents hate me. Being given the ultimatum of not getting a car and never being trusted.

I. am. Done. I give up control. I do. And as much as I want to drive, I’ll let it rip me apart and feel the pain of giving up something I wanted so badly — just for the chance to feel happy in myself again.

I’m tired of everything. I’m so close to giving up everything. Not touching the work, not talking to anyone. Just being alone and silent with myself.