1/25/26

         A lot has happened, and I definitely have a lot on my mind. I really don’t know how to start or even organize this. Yesterday I laid in bed, faced upward to the ceiling, and talked. I talked to the universe, which may sound stupid and might be a stupid way to start this. But I’m the type of person who bottles up her feelings. I actually don’t know I’m having a brain fart when I think about what I’m going to write. I’m able to think about the words, and when I actually start it, I have the order in my head on the topics I’m going to write about and organized order, but in all seriousness, I’m not able to write the things I want to write when I start. I’m a big procrastinator, always have been someone who comes up with ideas and then is unable to even start to execute them. I have to genuinely push myself to even type out a brain dump. It’s like sometimes I not only isolate my feelings and thoughts from my friends and family, I also isolate myself from myself. I’m unable to genuinely speak out and talk about my feelings. Instead, I think in my head I wonder how this girl… hell, let me stop right there. I pretend I know how people are portraying me, how people are seeing me. They’re seeing me as weak, as wrong, mean, as even maybe a horrible person. And now, if I pretend that these thoughts and voices from other people that I don’t even know are true, if I let those voices in my head and don’t even have faith in myself..that I have to make up fake voices I don’t even know if they’re real and make myself believe them..how will I ever, ever be able to love myself. You might be wondering genuinely what the hell is this girl talking about, and honestly, there’s a lot, but for this specific situation: I broke up with someone I’d been with for around 6 months.

The internet and this generation itself romanticizes the idgaf energy, the bad bitch energy, the detachment energy, but as much as I’ve spent hours and hours and hours watching videos of that mindset, perfecting it in real life, the moment that fake front is put up to real-life situations, it crashes down and I become the insecure person I always once was. The person who is seen with so many friends, scrolling through her phone, wondering why she has no one to talk to, thinking about maybe the fake idgaf energy, the fake “I don’t need anyone” energy, is just all fake..another brain defense mechanism..and that feeling hurts because if perfecting this bad bitch energy doesn’t make me an unbreakable person, what will? And the answer to that is breakable moments. Moments that break me down. Moments where I feel shy, insecure, weak, tired, lonely. Those moments are what shape a real bad bitch, not a pretty girl watching how to glow up overnight or trying to perfect the psychology of human interactions. Which, to be fair, it is fun to read, get your way by reading people..but trust me, it’s fake and it’s temporary because humans aren’t an experiment you can just watch a few YouTube videos or take a class and read and get your way. Your face, your body, how pretty you are..pretty privilege only gets you so far, and a few passes in life from pretty privilege will never, never, never prevent you from the soul-crushing situations when the real insecure girl can’t even get up to clean her room, when that girl is scrolling on Instagram realizing the person she broke up with has already unfollowed her..her sister too. And then you feel so small that that temporary feeling of powerfulness fades, and you realize you’re in your head reassuring yourself you aren’t a bad person when, in fact, the need that you have to reassure yourself is a fact that the person you ended things with isn’t even worried. And now I’m looking at myself in the mirror and sitting down typing this out genuinely believing: am I stupid?

I was gone for a good 3 weeks, and at the start of the year last year I put the Taj Mahal on my vision board. It was inspired by an experience in Guatemala, genuinely one of the greatest experiences I had. And at the end of the year, I found myself looking at my vision board as my trip planned for India was in motion. I went to Dubai looking sexy, hot, posting hot, sexy photos on my Instagram, feeling cool, while genuinely coming back to the hotel I was doing what I always did..scrolling through my stories over and over, the small boost of ego and confidence, another fake front. After Dubai, I was in India, and not posting..something in my brain was telling me I must have had more fun in Dubai if I posted more there, but that’s not true. I told myself I would take the time on the trip to be better, as if the trip was a magical way for all my issues to be taken away. It was not. But even in that fragile moment of coming back, I was strong enough to end a relationship..a big change..to take the blow of being seen as the bad person from people that have and will mean nothing to me.

And in a moment, all that I am disappeared. Any ounce of fake confidence, all the experiences I had of reassurance that I’m a “cool” person, disappeared. All that flooded my mind was that this person unfollowed me. No thoughts of thinking I’m ugly, but just thoughts that I was nothing to obsess over. Which proves my theory that being pretty does absolutely nothing. Because if people decided one day to tell me I’m not pretty, I would believe it like it’s a fact, and that is a confidence issue, not at all an issue of being ugly. I am insecure, and I will face it..that no matter how many times I sit down writing affirmations, begging the universe I’ll be confident, the only way for me to truly get there is throwing myself headfirst into uncomfortable situations and growing. Growth, growth, growth. I looked at my phone..no one. Friends that weren’t super close to me, but people I could just talk to and play Roblox with. I push past this isolation, because there’s a big difference between not needing anyone and genuine isolation. I have passions, and I need to remember my goals and dreams are bigger than the uncomfortable situations I’m in right now.

This is my first serious relationship breakup, and obviously not my first breakup, but the thoughts of do I need to just start getting out there, fucking people, or maybe just take time to do my thing. And the answer? Is a balance. Have fun..that’s what I want to do, as much as that sounds immature and maybe I should be sitting down focusing on school, school, school..that’s not what I want to do. I want to drive and meet new people. I love meeting new people. I want to be fun and be funny. And I don’t want to care so much about what people think about me, but I am a deep person and a sensitive person, and I don’t need to push those feelings down, like be completely silent about my issues. I need to be okay. Because again, there’s this one situation I’ve always been quite quiet about..what’s happening with me, whether it be good or bad..and remain mysterious, and of course it’s just been advice everyone gives to not let people know how you’re moving. Well, too much of anything is bad, and that includes being too mysterious. It’s okay to find a balance. Right now I have a friend that I have spoken about these issues with, and she’s truly on my side. She’s been a close friend for a while, and there’s been times where I’ve thought I’m better than her..I’ll be honest..but that’s not true because I appreciate her. And I like talking to her, and even if she were to do me dirty, I’m a real human being and I want to believe, even as someone with trust issues, that I will be able to handle it, handle betrayal, and not let that make me become a still, silent person because I’m not evil..I have real issues too.

So I don’t know, though, from all these thoughts, but for now I still have other things on my mind, like my feeling of genuine loneliness and feeling not cool. Random, but true. Maybe I need to think smaller before I think bigger..think about how I view myself before I start wondering and wanting other people to view me in a certain way. I want to go out and have fun. And I have goals I want to do this year, and today is the day I’m going to sit with myself and go over those goals..whether it’s having a good relationship with my teachers or going to another late-night fun concert and just having fun. I need this, and yeah.