5/12/2026

 Right now I’m watching a video called “1 Psychiatrist and 20 Depressed People,” and I’m realizing something. I feel like I can’t cry, like I physically can’t sometimes. I think I’m getting a little overstimulated because I’m watching this video while also seeing myself text and record this. What I’m doing right now is voice recording my thoughts, then going through them, editing them, organizing them, and turning them into more of an essay format.

I realize that I have to cope with my mindset somehow. It’s kind of powerful in a way. Kind of skillful too. I look at it like this: I haven’t made a blog just about me being depressed or sad. It’s more like me making mistakes, being confused, stressed, angry, emotional, and trying to process all of it. I’m able to take all those thoughts, put them onto a keyboard, and make pieces of writing out of them. It takes time, but it almost feels like I’m assigning myself work and then completing it myself.

Sometimes I question everything though. I question this too. I’m like, “Why am I even writing this? No one is even reading it.” But then I still organize it and edit it as if someone were reading it. I do have a blog, and it’s very anonymous. Very private. Only a couple people could ever really see it. Some people actually have seen it already.

The reason I wouldn’t want to monetize it or make it publicly known is because it’s raw. It’s my personal thoughts and feelings. Everything from getting completely mad and letting all my rage out, to feeling extremely sad, to talking about how my day went, what I did with my friends yesterday, or how emotional I am over a concert. It’s all over the place. It’s too personal and too raw to fully put out into the world, even anonymously. Even if people don’t know it’s me, it still feels like too much to let out publicly, so I keep it as my own project on the internet.

Even talking about this now makes me nervous because someone could technically find it. You could probably find it if you really tried, and that scares me a little bit. That’s why I don’t talk about it too much. But I also feel like the curiosity in the way I talk about it makes people want to read it. I’m not really going to get into how it works or anything because obviously I don’t want anyone finding it.

I know this writing seems a little semi-unprofessional, but I just wanted to talk and say that I wonder why I feel a certain way. I want to tell myself really quickly that everything will be okay and that things do not repeat in the exact same pattern forever.

I’ve worked at the same place for around two years now, and this is going to be my third summer there. The first summer was so much fun, and I genuinely got really sad when it ended. That was my first realization that coworkers are actual people you can deeply connect with. Then the next summer came around, and working with new people again made me think, “Wow, this is so much fun too.” Then they left, and I realized again that people leave and things change.

Now this summer, there are new people again, and for the first time I’m aware of the cycle. I know I’m going to meet these people, have fun with them, and then eventually they’ll leave too. But then I started thinking: what if this time, instead of them leaving and disappearing from my life, I actually become someone memorable to them? What if they think I’m cool and fun, and everything just works out?

Usually during the summer, I genuinely feel happy. The people there make me feel accepted. They make me feel okay. Sometimes we even hang out outside of work, and that still feels crazy to me in a good way. I’m really grateful for that.

But it’s also scary because sometimes I feel like I’m not cool enough, even though I know I am those things. I don’t know why I overthink it so much with these new people. I feel like I’m barely going to work with them, and then I start thinking maybe I should pick up more shifts just to be around them more. But then I question myself again because I don’t even need the money. I don’t need to work more. I already have people I’m friends with. I already have memories there. I already need time for myself too.

Still, I look at the schedule and see all these people working together and I think, “They’re going to have so much fun together. They’re going to bond, and I’m not going to be part of it.” Then I wonder why I care so much.

I think part of it is that I’ve worked with a lot of these people already, and now there are new people coming in who are connecting with the people I never fully connected with. Maybe it’s jealousy. I honestly don’t know.

I also think a lot of this connects to how I see myself academically and personally. I don’t think I’m the smartest person, and sometimes I genuinely question what the point of things even is. Because of that, I feel like my interpersonal skills need to carry me. I feel like I need to be able to talk to anyone, connect with anyone, make friends easily, and make people like me.

So when that doesn’t work out, it hits hard. When I first started working, I built good relationships with people from different stores. I could get free food sometimes or random little perks, and I’d think, “Wow, this is because of my personality.” Maybe even pretty privilege too, even though everyone has different tastes and different opinions depending on the day.

But when those things don’t work out, I suddenly feel like I have nothing going for me. Like I’m not smart, not pretty, not likable. Like I’m actually a loser. Unprofessional. Irresponsible.

But that’s not even true. I am responsible. I’m actually very passionate about the things I care about. At work, there are times where I go above and beyond for customers. In fact, I literally got praised in a review someone wrote about me.

Still, it feels like I constantly need approval. I’ll look at my Instagram story and overthink something small. Like this one girl I work with questioned me about something at work, and suddenly I thought, “Oh my God, she probably hates me now.” Even though she follows me on Instagram, likes my posts, and comments on things. I literally check to see if she still follows me. It’s crazy.

Why would she unfollow me over something small? Why do I think so deeply about everything? I just really don’t like the idea of people disliking me.

I always want to look out for myself, and I do, but I also think deeply about how much of a people pleaser I am. The weird thing is that I don’t even seem like a people pleaser outwardly. It’s more internal. It’s like a hidden version of it.

I could keep writing because I feel like there are so many more concepts I want to connect to this, but I also don’t want this to become too messy.