5/12/26

 This is my thoughts from an issue with my parents. I have more things to say about other things so I'm going to include it in another post after this.

I already talked to my mom and my dad sent them like paragraphs I was feeling because usually I would just go quiet and look. I did that after on the phone. I’m thinking about it because I can’t just about the situation so it’s just how i feel too.

Today I feel really hurt. Mentally and physically, I feel like I’m in so much pain. I’m laying in bed right now and I feel like I can’t get up or do anything. Things that used to matter so much to me suddenly feel pointless, and I hate feeling like that.

I don’t like ultimatums. I don’t like being told what to do or constantly being told no. I know that can sound unreasonable sometimes, but the thing is, I’m also very self-aware. I understand that some of the things I ask for can seem unreasonable from another perspective. Wanting to go to parties, wanting to drive, wanting more freedom, those are normal teenage things. A lot of people around me are allowed to do those things, so when I realize my parents are not as relaxed about it, it genuinely hurts me and stresses me out.

My parents are both chill and strict at the same time. I think they believe they’re very chill because they put up with a lot of my attitude and the things I say. But I don’t think they realize that the way I talk, argue, and react comes from growing up in a house where there’s been fighting and arguments constantly. It feels like conflict is the normal way we communicate, and nothing ever really changes. That feeling alone hurts.

I don’t even fully know why I feel this bad right now. Maybe it’s because I’m off my meds now. Maybe it’s stress from testing and the end of the school year. Maybe it’s because some of my friends are leaving. Maybe it’s just my mood or hormones. I honestly don’t know. I just know I don’t feel okay.

What scares me is feeling these sad emotions come back again, because it reminds me that my mental health issues don’t just disappear. For a while, I think I convinced myself that I was finally okay and everything was fixed. But now I realize these issues don’t completely go away. They’re just things I have to manage. Patterns, habits, coping skills, routines, all the things I have to work on to keep myself stable.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t even eat. I’ve felt that way a lot before too. But I usually don’t say anything because I don’t want to make things into a bigger deal than they already are. I’m honestly used to just being the “bad guy” or the “crazy one.” I’m used to being the person who apologizes first or acts like things are fine even when I’m hurt.

What hurts the most is feeling like no matter what I do, it’s never enough to earn trust or freedom.

For example, when we first talked about the car and curfew, I understood that there were rules and special circumstances. But over time, I thought things would slowly change as I proved myself more responsible. I’ve been driving for more than six months now, and this isn’t even just about driving anymore. It’s about freedom in general.

I don’t think what I’m asking for is unreasonable. I tell you where I’m going, I share my location, I call and text, and I communicate what’s happening. I’m not sneaking around, driving recklessly, or constantly going to parties. I’m 17 years old, and I’m doing normal things for my age, hanging out with friends, working, going to school, studying for AP exams, and trying to enjoy summer coming up.

But it feels like there’s always going to be something else that gets labeled as “unreasonable,” no matter what I do. That’s why sometimes I start feeling like you think I’m a horrible kid, even though I try not to believe that.

I can apologize for last night, but I also need you to understand that I’m not trying to be difficult. I’m hurt. That’s really all this is.

I’m not asking for complete freedom with no rules. I just want more reasonable trust and communication. Anything bad can happen in any situation, and living in fear of every possible thing isn’t realistic.

Honestly, if I’m never allowed to do things, it’s only going to create less communication and more distance between us. But if there’s trust and compromise, things would probably work out better and feel less stressful for everyone.